INTJ

I took a couple of days off. To recuperate and decompress from all the travel I have been doing lately. And I found myself with a lot of time on my hands between hanging out with friends, cooking for and/with friends, eating, sleeping and the daily workout. I had to put it to good use, my apartment needed some tidying, so that's what I did. Out with the papers, clothes, expired food and mementos that serve as distractions.

While doing this though, I came across my Myers-Briggs personality test report. When I started working over 2 years ago, my company administered that to determine how well (or not) I play with others. Reading the report and looking at the situations, decisions and mistakes that I have been a part of, I was aghast how one human being could create an accurate formula to predict another's behaviour. Given that each of us believes that we're unique and different from another human being by leagues and miles.

I also did some shopping and packing. Come December and I will take off for India. I havent been home in about 7-8 years. Its going to be interesting. Meeting with old friends who may have changed greatly and not be the people I knew. Some may have matured, some may still be the same, but I hope that there still exists something; a pleasant memory, or just a happy imprint of enjoying time with one another that will serve as a connection.

On certain nights, I get these flashbacks, they're brief, they make my heart race, they make me remember important things; the friend I trusted more than myself, the first time I asked someone out to a date, the first kiss, the first time I really felt like God had made me for something significant, the first time I smoked a cigarette, the first time I realised how much my parents loved me and why (and many more firsts).

My entire life compacted into little drops, falling on my mind parched for a sensation of something meaningful. I was reading this book the other day, by Pamuk, the same guy who won the Nobel prize for literature (he's brilliant btw.) In one of his books he talks about how the Istanbul of his childhood changed and he found it hard to reconcile with what it became. I may feel the same way. Feel the same way, because in a certain way, it means that my memories are only preserved between my two ears. I cant ever bring anyone, those significant in my life, to share and understand the places and circumstances that me who I am. This feeling is certainly not original, many people in the past and the future will undergo similar sentiments.

But as I prepare for my trip, I also remember that I have to begin living in the present. I cant always look to the past for happiness and meaning. Its very hard to fathom how life became so different. How high school and college happened so fast. How I find myself in a place, where I feel like a part of this well oiled machine. A wheel that turns every 24 hours to do the same thing. Sometimes I tell myself I need to find another job. Sometimes my friends tell me that I need to get into a relationship and offer to "hook" me up. Sometimes my education tells me that I'll figure it out eventually. Sometimes my grand parents tell me that I should just get married. Sometimes the homeless guy around the corner who gets a lot of food from me tells me that I should just smoke a couple of joints. Sometimes I awake to nightmares of Buddha telling me that my entire life is going to be like this, always searching for answers. And then, sometimes my inner conscience tells me that I'm trying too hard.

I've eaten 275 calories worth of olives. I need to get back to the cleaning. And prepare for thanksgiving. Cajun friend turkey. That's whats on the menu.